Six Things I’m Thinking about this Week

and a Question

1. Learning how to say the phrase “I want…”

Saying it clearly, directly, and matter-of-factly like I’m adding oranges to the grocery list. There is no debating on citrus in the winter.

I want to spend more time with my friends.

I want to use more of my energy on writing, creating, and sharing.

I want to take an art class.

I want to have a smokin’ hot bod again. Ok, I know that's not correct to say in 2025, and it's loaded with potential problems, so I can rephrase it differently. I used to body build (anyone else remember Muscle Media Magazine? I’m in an issue circa 2003) and I loved how well I moved and how strong I was and that I fit ALL my clothes. I want to feel like that again. Which leads me to #2…

2. You must let yourself want what you want.

I mean, part of letting yourself want something is to not be ashamed that you want it, right? Beyond drinking tea in front of the fireplace with my dogs while watching Severance, the soft animal of my body also wants to be ripped and deeply connected to my creative side.

3. Salads.

Although I officially declared 2025 as the year of mustard (link to my favorite:

https://mustardmuseum.com/collections/best-sellers/products/pommery-moutarde-de-meaux), we have also entered a salad era. It’s a sign that I’m growing as a person to think beyond Caesar or potato salad. I'm studying and experimenting with salad componentry and taste maximization. Did you know that just a few craisins can really enhance the experience without sending your macros into disarray? I love buying pre-cooked teriyaki tofu, just cube it and toss it in. I am attached to my special salad containers with separate compartments for various crunchies, dressing, and other toppings for last minute mixing. Finally, add a smidgeon of fried onions (the ones that go on the soupy green bean casserole) or fried pickle chips for the crunch.

4. The trickiness of grief.

I went to our high school basketball game where they were honoring a student fighting cancer. My own son, Jordan, died from cancer in 2016.

Tricky.

I searched my heart deeply later that night to pinpoint the exact emotion. I wondered if I was jealous? Nope, that wasn’t it. It didn’t feel like, “why does your kid get to live and my kid died?”

It felt like my system simply recalling my own experiences, my own pain, my own beautiful child who was pale and bald and obviously physically suffering. Remembering sadness.

Being at that game also felt like absolute gratitude that the student and his family could see their community cheering for him. I KNOW how much families need support with sick or disabled kids. I remember being in the thick of it, splitting my energy between one son with cancer and one with cerebral palsy. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW deep in my bones the importance of community support. There were many nights at 2am in Jordan’s hospital room when I would write facebook updates on his private group. Sometimes, someone would comment back immediately after I posted. Even that little acknowledgment would push me forward through another long day. When suffering, it's absolutely of maximum importance to have reminders that people love us and care about us.

5. None of us will get out ok. Picture us all playing poker.

I see your pediatric cancer and disability and I raise you heart disease and a divorce.

…I’ll raise you with Alzheimers and an addiction.

…I’ll raise you with oral cancer and an amputation.

…I’ll raise you with pancreatic cancer and an affair.

…I raise you with an eating disorder and infertility.

…I’ll raise you with ALS.

…Ill raise you with depression and death by suicide.

We go around the table until it gets back to me. All of this pain is real. There are no winners at this game, and there is no sense in jockeying for the most victimized position. Perhaps the goal is to feel/alchemize/use our own pain to see the pain of other people. None of us will leave unscathed, and none of us will be here in 120 years. May my experience of pain give me compassion and wisdom to love someone else who is hurting.

6. All the good things are generative. Good stuff creates more good stuff.

Hope is generative.

Love is generative.

Laughter is generative.

Physical activity is generative.

Art is generative.

Writing is generative.

QUESTION: How do you get over the feeling like art and self expression are self centered? To a certain degree, is art self-centered? I do believe, at least for other artists, that it is actually generous to share artistic work. Is it both selfish and generous? How do I let the soft animal of my body love what it loves and feel like it is a contribution to humanity. I know Amie McNee talks a lot about this. Please let me know if you have an opinion on this, as I’m ready to move beyond this question. Also, let me know if you’d like to throw a Severance themed party together. I am all in.